Top Six Things We expect to happen on tonight's Season Finale of LOST

Tonight’s episode of LOST better be awesome. I have a shit-ton of questions and I demand answers, but am prepared for some crazy plot twists as well. Many of you fellow LOST fans probably spent the day tossing around theories and discussing what’s going to happen in tonight’s season finale. Dan Scully and I are no different. Except that we’re better. I trust that you’ll find our ideas of things that might happen in tonight’s episode far more entertaining than your boss's theory of how Sawyer got back off the submarine. Although what we guessed may not actually happen in tonight’s episode, it would be pretty badass if it did. Enjoy. (Both our lists and tonight's episode. But make sure you enjoy our lists more.)

Dan Scully’s list:
6. Charlie returns from the dead to trap the smoke monster in a bong and get high on “black island boogie”.
5.The island is just a giant Ace of Cakes project, and the magical occurrences are just security to protect it from Hurley.
4. There used to be a sect called The Greg Initiative that acted as a more logical other half to The Dharma Initiative. Sadly, they were unable to remain in partnership due to the fact that they formed said partnership merely after a crazy one night stand.
3. Women who get pregnant on the island only die because the Island is a devout Catholic.
2. Turns out it’s the same island the Skipper and Gilligan were trapped on, but the modern Island has access to better special effects.
1. In a surprise twist, head writer Damon Lindelof is revealed to be a paranoid schizophrenic with no intentions of answering any questions.

Sean Woods’s list:
6: Jacob is revealed to be… Bernard?
5. Sawyer bangs Eloise Hawking. Just because he hasn't yet.
4. Daniel Faraday’s diary reveals a backup plan. In order to get off the island, all they have to do is click their heels together and say, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
3. John Locke continues his time travel. This time he goes all the way back to the 17th century and pens his philosophy of “tabula rasa”.
2. Bruce Willis turns out be a ghost.
1. It is revealed that prior to her death, Libby organized a defecting group of “Others” and trained them in chemical warfare and nuclear arms trade. These followers of Libby discovered the Hostiles’ hydrogen bomb and commissioned Dr. Pierre Chang to build them a bomb of their own with some plutonium they’ve acquired. Instead of building a bomb, Dr. Chang used the plutonium for his own time travel research and built a Sonar Fence to keep the Libby’s supporters away.
As Dr. Chang filmed his final Dharma videotape and prepared to enter the submarine, he noticed a single Volkswagon Dharam van descending down the hill. His son Miles noticed the alarmed look on his father’s face.
“Oh my god. They found me.” Dr. Chang tells his son. “I don’t know how but they found me!”
“Who?” Miles asks.
“THE LIBBYANS! Run for it, Miles!”

Top Six things I learned at IKEA

As it turns out, living in sin isn't quite as scandalous as I imagined. Instead of tawdry tales of concupiscence, life on the home front has proved to be about as exciting as watching C-SPAN on mute. Our struggles to collect quarters for laundry: dull. Our turf war with the native mice and cockroaches: pedestrian. Our nightly games of Boggle: titillating to us, but maybe not to dozen(s?) following my seldom-updated blog.

Tonight Angela and I went shopping for furniture at IKEA. In addition to realizing how little money I had, I also learned a great deal about myself and my relationship. Try to enjoy.

Top Six things I learned at IKEA:
6. The only book ever published in Sweden is Misselin by Carl Johan Brenner.
5. The toilets in the display rooms do not flush…oops.
4. A large bookcase will not fit in a Ford Taurus. (We should have brought the truck.)
3. My girlfriend wants to get cartoon-style furniture for when we have kids.
2. My girlfriend thinks we’re going to have kids.
1. I need to move out.

Top Six ways for Philly to Spend Stimulus $$$

You would think that the city of Philadelphia could have more fun with their stimulus present. At a time when wasteful spenders like me wrestle whether to use their tax refunds on a new flat screen TV or a summer vacation, SEPTA announced how it was going to spend its stimulus money. I’d fill you in on their big plans, but I imagine the only thing more depressing than riding SEPTA is reading about it.
Instead, with the help of local comedian Dan Scully, I’d like to offer a few suggestions for better ways that our great city can make use of their new funds. And before you start judging me for wasting money during hard times, know that my vacation or TV are simply altruistic purchases to benefit the economy.

Dan Scully’s list:
6. Buy body armor for criminals to protect them from our vicious police force.

5. Finance hand-washing stations for local pretzel vendors.

4. Pro-activ* solution and fashion advice to all citizens that help make Philly the ugliest place in the country**

3. Giant Rube Goldberg machine that fills Fishtown. I imagine it being similar to mousetrap, but with more stabbing.

2. No joke here: Pay my cover at every crap bar in Old City that thinks cover charges are synonymous with trendy night spots. Take that, Mad River!

1. Executive produce a sequel to M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" in which Mark Wahlberg gets sweet, sweet revenge on mother nature using aerosol, combustion engines, an AK 47, and a clever strategy involving poison tea and funky fresh rhymin'

*What great marketing! Lose the E, they'll buy it!

**Ulgiest place in the world? I'm looking at you Russia.

***What rhymes with "I'm more talented than my brother"?

Sean Woods’s list:
6. Use all of the money to pay Sean Woods’s outstanding parking tickets.
5. Buy out Elton Brand’s contract.
4. Enroll Geno’s owner Joey Vento in some American Government classes at the University of Pennsylvania. Make sure stays awake for the lesson covering our national language.
3. Halt plans to implode the Wachovia Spectrum. Rather, buy up a bunch of dynamite and explode the arena instead. This groundbreaking demolition would supply South Philly residents with souvenir debris to commemorate the Sixers’ and Flyers’ former home.
2. Regain our national position as 4th most populous city by expanding city limits to include Montgomery, Bucks, Chester and Delaware counties. What now, Houston and Phoenix?
1. Upgrade from our colossal clothespin to a DOMINATING DRYER. (to scale, of course).

Things to do at a 71st High School Reunion

We now take requests! Usually the inspirations for The Top Six List come from some random observation or bizarre discussion that Dan and I engage in while we should be doing work. But as of today, we now take requests for Top Six Topics. Or rather, suggestions. We’re not going to come up with a list to satisfy every stupid idea brought to us—unless of course we’re paid for it. Come to think of it, Dan Scully and Sean Woods are now available to perform at parties, so book us for your next celebration or corporate event today!

Sorry for that digression. The idea for today's list came to us from our colleague, Monique, who noticed two older gentlemen planning their 71st High School Reunion. “You guys should totally do a list about them,” she urged. “I mean, what do you even do at your 71st reunion?”
If you’re 89, smart and astonishingly internet-savvy, you’ll hire us to perform a list reading. You’ll also provide a microphone and loud speakers, because I speak softly and your kind usually can’t hear what I’m saying. But If you fail to hire us, you’ll probably spend the reunion doing something like this…

Dan Scully’s list:
6. Show up early and bail so you can make the early bird special at Denny’s.
5. Take your Thursday pills on Saturday so you can put that new hip to work in a wicked-trippy dance party.
4. Try to find your picture in the school History textbooks.
3. Blow some lines and try to fuck the Prom Queen, if you can manage to wake her from her oxycodone-induced coma.
2. Scan the yearbook autograph section for dead people and dead languages.
1. Sit.

Sean Woods’s list:
6. Meet a roomful of new people.
5. Brag about all the hot nurses who have bathed you over the last year.
4. Delight in your old yearbook lithographs.
3. Praise dementia for freeing you from all the same “Do you remember the time…” stories you’ve heard for the past seventy years.
2. Buy a round of Metamucil shots for both of your remaining classmates.
1. Go out for a late night dinner trip at 4 p.m., followed by joyriding at 8 miles per hour.

STYLE OF MAN and more

If you look at the most recent photos of me on facebook, you’ll likely notice a few things: A.) There aren’t very recent photos of me on facebook. B.) I often wear a hat. C.) I’ve been using even more hair gel than usual.
These all stem from the fact that I’ve been in desperate need of a haircut. A few months ago I tried to grow it out, but clearly that didn’t work. (See far left). My notoriously thick, Asian hair, sticks straight out at all angles and much to my chagrin, defies all gravity and products designed to keep it down. Don’t get me wrong, I think the Asians are a beautiful people (as is evidenced by my Google search history). I just think that kind of hair looks better on real Asians than on CaucAsians like myself. I’ve yet to find a barber in the Bala Cynwyd or Manayunk who’s been able to master the Bruce Lee fade and I’ve long been intrigued by a hair salon on Main Street called Style of Man. I can think of no more masculine name for a barbershop. As a man, I often think that I would like to have more style—but not too much. Not so much elan that my love for women is doubted, just a manly kind of style. The Style of Man. In addition to a great name, this barber shop also features smoking hot girls to work on your hair. I can think of few PG experiences more sensual than that of a woman aggressively running her fingers through my hair.
At my girlfriend's urging, I finally got my hair cut at a Master Cuts in the mall because they were cheap and still open at 8:30. Since this visit Thursday night, I’ve had a new entry on the long list of Biggest Regrets of My Life. At Master Cuts, a heavily pierced Jamaican broad snipped indiscriminately at random parts of my head, leaving it comically uneven. At present, my head shape resembles a potted plant, and I can’t stop thinking of the girls who got away at Style of Man. Dan Scully and I recently discussed the brilliant business model of Style of Man, and we couldn’t help think how we could improve this already brilliant Style of Man if we were the owners. We imagined a concept hair salon in which we would make slight additions to the sign out front each day, and cut hair accordingly. What resulted was a list, nay a business concept, too grand to be contained in a top six list. Please enjoy the following while I march my ridiculous looking head back into the mall and demand a new haircut.

Style of Manny (Specializing in dreadlocks a la Manny Ramirez)
Style of Manure (Our haircuts are the shit!)
Style of Manifest Destiny (Our business will expand to every storefront until we control all of Main Street)
Style of Manatee (Specializing in pet grooming, if you have a pet manatee)
Style of Man vs. Wild (We perform mostly buzz cuts, but we have a film crew helping us)
Style of Manual Labor (Specializing in hairstyle for Mexicans)
Style of Manson (We’re not so good with hair, but we’ll carve an X into your forehead)
Style of Man Eaters (Specializing in Hall & Oates mustaches and mullets)
Style of Man of the House (Get a classic Tommy Lee Jones look or a Jonathon Taylor Thomas mane)
Style of Mane (Catering exclusively to Lions. And JTT for his work as Simba in the Lion King)
Style of Immanuel Kant (Everyone gets the same haircut, regardless of the situation)
Style of Manilow (a la Barry Manilow)
Style of Manheim Steam Roller (featuring intense Christmas music with lots of bells)
Style of Manila (catering to dignitaries from the Philippines, and folder enthusiasts)
Style of Mangione, Chuck (If you don’t like your haircut, this cool hat will make you Feel So Good)
Style of Manny Pacquiao
Style of Mandalay Bay (for big nights out in Vegas)
Style of Manet (NOT Monet, there’s a difference!)
Style of Man Ray (For that Modernist look everyone’s going for)
Style of Mangina (We’d rather not explain)
Style of Manchester United (get any hairstyle sported by David Beckham)
Style of Manwich
Style of Mantis (You’ll look so good, your mate will want to eat you up. Literally, bite your head off)
Style of Manzanas
Style of Maniac McGee (Newberry Medal Recipient for best boys’ haircuts)
Style of Manfred Man
Style of Five Man Electrical Band. (You’ve got to have a membership card to get inside. And Long-haired, freaky people need not apply.)
Style of Mayonnaise. (Instead of hair gel, we use egg yolk and vegetable oil)
Style of Man in the Box (If you’re having a bad hair day, we will come and save you)
Style of Man of War (for Jellyfish)
Style of Man o’War (for race horses)
Style of Manheim, Camryn (long hair for fat girls)

Top Six ways to break up with your Girlfriend

There’s a guy I work with, we’ll call him “Helix”. Every week my work friends and I invite Helix to join us at our usual hangout for quizzo (Tuesday nights, 10 p.m., The Brick House bar, Manayunk). Every week Helix talks a big game about coming out, but never shows. The next day he’ll usually explain that he wanted to come, but that his “girlfriend” didn’t want to.
I’m putting “girlfriend” in quotes because we’ve been working with Helix for the better part of a year and we’ve seen no evidence of such a person. Not once has she stopped in for lunch, dropped off a forgotten cell phone or even called to remind him that she needs to be inflated. We were all convinced that she was fictional, that he just made her up as an excuse for not hanging out with us—until yesterday. Helix was visibly upset. He told us that he planned on breaking up with her and was going to move out of the house they shared as soon as he left work. Now, obviously we saw that it would be very convenient to kill off this girlfriend character if he still couldn’t produce one as evidence. But when his mom showed up to help him move out, we thought it rather unlikely that she would go to such lengths to corroborate this lie.
The only problem was that Helix didn’t know how to break the news to her. He figured that she might get a clue when she returned home and all his stuff was gone, but needed some help preparing for the confrontation. So without further ado, we give you… The Top Six Ways to Break up with your Girlfriend:

Dan Scully’s list:

6. Throw Hydrochloric Acid in her face.
5. Tell her you’re dying of cancer. After she gets over the eventual loss, tell her you’re kidding. Good news, you’re just breaking up with her.
4. If you cry louder and longer than her, then she’s dumping you.
3. You can’t dump what’s not alive.
2. Let her catch you rubbing one out to Schindler’s List.
1. “It’s not you, It’s me. I can’t stand you.”

Sean Woods’ list:

6. Ask her if she’d mind sleeping on the couch, as you have someone from Craigslist’s erotic section coming over later.
5. “I’d like to explain all this, but my mom’s waiting in the car.”
4. Tell her you need to renegotiate your contract. You want $45 million over two years or you’re leaving for the Giants.
3. Send her a “Just Because…” e-card from inspot.org.
2. "I would really like to go to Quizzo at some point in my life, and I just feel like this is holding me back from that dream."
1. Take her out to dinner at Chili’s and propose. She’ll get the hint.

Epilogue: Shame on us! Shame on us for believing Helix would go through with something or make good on his word. In what should have been a surprise to no one, Helix bitched out and didn’t break up with her. Our suggestions for him went to waste and apparently they resolved all their issues. He told her that he just needed some space and would stay with her on the weekends while spending the rest of the week at his parent’s house. This should probably seem as ridiculous to you as seeing this guy referred to as "Helix". Screw anonymity. His name is Felix. And Donna, if you do exist and by some chance you’re reading this—Surprise! Felix wanted to break up with you. Glad you worked things out. Good Luck after this!

Top Six Worst Things to give up for Lent

I usually respect my sister. Despite her birth nearly two years after my own, Elise managed to graduate college before me. She has visited over twenty more foreign countries than I have (Her: 20+; Me: 0). She has never been in trouble with the law and even does volunteer work of her own volition.

Now I believe my sister Elise to be completely insane. She is currently doing missionary work in Guatemala—and somehow has better access to free internet than I do. And although she could easily escape the horrors and poverty of this developing country by jumping online and delighting in the humor of websites such as this, she has decided to give up the internet for Lent. That’s right, THE INTERNET. As in, the whole thing. Not just Facebook and Myspace. Not just internet porn or video games. Everything. Imagine what it must be like living abroad with no internet. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never been abroad, but I imagine it to be a lot like living at home with no internet, but somehow much worse.

I’m not one to make sacrifices or better myself in anyway, but I can’t really fathom why someone would give anything up for lent, especially something so vital to survival. I’ll try to quit bashing the absurdity or my sister’s foolish decision (even though she won’t be reading this anytime soon). Instead I’ll turn my attention to my own potential Lenten sacrifices. We’re pretty competitive in the Woods house, so I’m forced to find something more ridiculous to avoid for the next 40 days. Here goes….

Dan Scully’s list:

6. Hope

5. All forms of birth control

4. Sight

3. Tolerance

2. Sobriety

1. Not masturbating

Sean Woods’s list:

6. Nouns

5. LOST

4. Oxygen (the element, not the network)

3. Use of opposable thumbs

2. Sunlight

1. Wiping