Top Six Worst Things to give up for Lent

I usually respect my sister. Despite her birth nearly two years after my own, Elise managed to graduate college before me. She has visited over twenty more foreign countries than I have (Her: 20+; Me: 0). She has never been in trouble with the law and even does volunteer work of her own volition.

Now I believe my sister Elise to be completely insane. She is currently doing missionary work in Guatemala—and somehow has better access to free internet than I do. And although she could easily escape the horrors and poverty of this developing country by jumping online and delighting in the humor of websites such as this, she has decided to give up the internet for Lent. That’s right, THE INTERNET. As in, the whole thing. Not just Facebook and Myspace. Not just internet porn or video games. Everything. Imagine what it must be like living abroad with no internet. I wouldn’t know, as I’ve never been abroad, but I imagine it to be a lot like living at home with no internet, but somehow much worse.

I’m not one to make sacrifices or better myself in anyway, but I can’t really fathom why someone would give anything up for lent, especially something so vital to survival. I’ll try to quit bashing the absurdity or my sister’s foolish decision (even though she won’t be reading this anytime soon). Instead I’ll turn my attention to my own potential Lenten sacrifices. We’re pretty competitive in the Woods house, so I’m forced to find something more ridiculous to avoid for the next 40 days. Here goes….

Dan Scully’s list:

6. Hope

5. All forms of birth control

4. Sight

3. Tolerance

2. Sobriety

1. Not masturbating

Sean Woods’s list:

6. Nouns

5. LOST

4. Oxygen (the element, not the network)

3. Use of opposable thumbs

2. Sunlight

1. Wiping

Top Six ways to say I'm living in sin.

I’m moving in with my girlfriend. Now how do I tell my Dad?

When I was caught with porn as an adolescent, my father was convinced I was possessed by the devil. He rushed me to confession but feared that an exorcism might still be necessary. He might have been right. In an effort to save money, my girlfriend and I are moving in together. (Albeit, to a more expensive place). I can’t imagine I’ll be able to hide my living situation for long, so local comedian Dan Scully and I exchanged ideas of how to tell a man more conservative than the Pope that I’m living in sin. More suggestions are welcome!

Dan Scully’s list:

6. Yes, I’m living with her. But it’s not so we can fuck. It’s so the baby has a place to stay. Don’t worry, she’s not pregnant. It’s my old baby from my third marriage.

5. Angela is inflicted with Benjamin Button syndrome. She’s actually 89 and it’s my job to read her the Sports page.

4. It’s called “squatting”, Dad. She doesn’t know I’m there and if you don’t keep it down you’ll blow my cover!

3. Relax Dad, we actually got married for the sake of having repeated, unprotected sex.

2. It’s the only way I can convince her to go back. We have to go back!! By the way, can I borrow your shoes?

1. I’ve been to hell. I work there. I’m not afraid to go back.

Tough cut: If we don’t move in together, then the terrorists have won.

Sean Woods’s list:

6. Yeah, I’m moving in with her but it’s cool because I’m a non-practicing homosexual now.

5. Hey Dad you know who’s got a real monopoly going? Santa Claus. I decided I’d like a slice of that pie so I think I’m going to give him a little competition. I’m starting a small operation out of Bala Cynwyd. It’s still small, I’ve only got one elf right now but I’m recruiting more.

4. This is all my stuff, dad. Oh, didn’t I tell you? I’m a Steelers fan now. And a cross-dresser.

3. I’m totally hitting that on the daily, but don’t worry. I’m using my tax rebate to buy a bunch of plenary indulgences.

2. You’re a big St. Augustine fan, right? I’m just doing my best to follow in his footsteps.

1. Well, you see, the thing is… Angela is pregnant. No don’t worry it’s not mine. She must have gotten raped. Anyway, she’s considering an abortion so I thought I should move in give her daily counsel. If you think about it, I’m really doing God’s work.

Tough cut: Don’t worry, this isn’t real. You’re dead and this is hell. Nah, I’m just kidding. You’re only in purgatory. Just wait this out a couple years and maybe in the next stage I’ll be a priest.