You would think that the city of Philadelphia could have more fun with their stimulus present. At a time when wasteful spenders like me wrestle whether to use their tax refunds on a new flat screen TV or a summer vacation, SEPTA announced how it was going to spend its stimulus money. I’d fill you in on their big plans, but I imagine the only thing more depressing than riding SEPTA is reading about it.Instead, with the help of local comedian Dan Scully, I’d like to offer a few suggestions for better ways that our great city can make use of their new funds. And before you start judging me for wasting money during hard times, know that my vacation or TV are simply altruistic purchases to benefit the economy.
Dan Scully’s list:
6. Buy body armor for criminals to protect them from our vicious police force.
6. Buy body armor for criminals to protect them from our vicious police force.
5. Finance hand-washing stations for local pretzel vendors.
4. Pro-activ* solution and fashion advice to all citizens that help make Philly the ugliest place in the country**
3. Giant Rube Goldberg machine that fills Fishtown. I imagine it being similar to mousetrap, but with more stabbing.
2. No joke here: Pay my cover at every crap bar in Old City that thinks cover charges are synonymous with trendy night spots. Take that, Mad River!
1. Executive produce a sequel to M. Night Shyamalan's "The Happening" in which Mark Wahlberg gets sweet, sweet revenge on mother nature using aerosol, combustion engines, an AK 47, and a clever strategy involving poison tea and funky fresh rhymin'
*What great marketing! Lose the E, they'll buy it!
**Ulgiest place in the world? I'm looking at you Russia.
***What rhymes with "I'm more talented than my brother"?
Sean Woods’s list:
6. Use all of the money to pay Sean Woods’s outstanding parking tickets.
5. Buy out Elton Brand’s contract.
4. Enroll Geno’s owner Joey Vento in some American Government classes at the University of Pennsylvania. Make sure stays awake for the lesson covering our national language.
3. Halt plans to implode the Wachovia Spectrum. Rather, buy up a bunch of dynamite and explode the arena instead. This groundbreaking demolition would supply South Philly residents with souvenir debris to commemorate the Sixers’ and Flyers’ former home.
2. Regain our national position as 4th most populous city by expanding city limits to include Montgomery, Bucks, Chester and Delaware counties. What now, Houston and Phoenix?
1. Upgrade from our colossal clothespin to a DOMINATING DRYER. (to scale, of course).
6. Use all of the money to pay Sean Woods’s outstanding parking tickets.
5. Buy out Elton Brand’s contract.
4. Enroll Geno’s owner Joey Vento in some American Government classes at the University of Pennsylvania. Make sure stays awake for the lesson covering our national language.
3. Halt plans to implode the Wachovia Spectrum. Rather, buy up a bunch of dynamite and explode the arena instead. This groundbreaking demolition would supply South Philly residents with souvenir debris to commemorate the Sixers’ and Flyers’ former home.
2. Regain our national position as 4th most populous city by expanding city limits to include Montgomery, Bucks, Chester and Delaware counties. What now, Houston and Phoenix?
1. Upgrade from our colossal clothespin to a DOMINATING DRYER. (to scale, of course).
