There’s a guy I work with, we’ll call him “Helix”. Every week my work friends and I invite Helix to join us at our usual hangout for quizzo (Tuesday nights, 10 p.m., The Brick House bar, Manayunk). Every week Helix talks a big game about coming out, but never shows. The next day he’ll usually explain that he wanted to come, but that his “girlfriend” didn’t want to.
I’m putting “girlfriend” in quotes because we’ve been working with Helix for the better part of a year and we’ve seen no evidence of such a person. Not once has she stopped in for lunch, dropped off a forgotten cell phone or even called to remind him that she needs to be inflated. We were all convinced that she was fictional, that he just made her up as an excuse for not hanging out with us—until yesterday. Helix was visibly upset. He told us that he planned on breaking up with her and was going to move out of the house they shared as soon as he left work. Now, obviously we saw that it would be very convenient to kill off this girlfriend character if he still couldn’t produce one as evidence. But when his mom showed up to help him move out, we thought it rather unlikely that she would go to such lengths to corroborate this lie.
The only problem was that Helix didn’t know how to break the news to her. He figured that she might get a clue when she returned home and all his stuff was gone, but needed some help preparing for the confrontation. So without further ado, we give you… The Top Six Ways to Break up with your Girlfriend:
I’m putting “girlfriend” in quotes because we’ve been working with Helix for the better part of a year and we’ve seen no evidence of such a person. Not once has she stopped in for lunch, dropped off a forgotten cell phone or even called to remind him that she needs to be inflated. We were all convinced that she was fictional, that he just made her up as an excuse for not hanging out with us—until yesterday. Helix was visibly upset. He told us that he planned on breaking up with her and was going to move out of the house they shared as soon as he left work. Now, obviously we saw that it would be very convenient to kill off this girlfriend character if he still couldn’t produce one as evidence. But when his mom showed up to help him move out, we thought it rather unlikely that she would go to such lengths to corroborate this lie.
The only problem was that Helix didn’t know how to break the news to her. He figured that she might get a clue when she returned home and all his stuff was gone, but needed some help preparing for the confrontation. So without further ado, we give you… The Top Six Ways to Break up with your Girlfriend:
Dan Scully’s list:
6. Throw Hydrochloric Acid in her face.
5. Tell her you’re dying of cancer. After she gets over the eventual loss, tell her you’re kidding. Good news, you’re just breaking up with her.
4. If you cry louder and longer than her, then she’s dumping you.
3. You can’t dump what’s not alive.
2. Let her catch you rubbing one out to Schindler’s List.
1. “It’s not you, It’s me. I can’t stand you.”
Sean Woods’ list:
6. Ask her if she
’d mind sleeping on the couch, as you have someone from Craigslist’s erotic section coming over later.
5. “I’d like to explain all this, but my mom’s waiting in the car.”
4. Tell her you need to renegotiate your contract. You want $45 million over two years or you’re leaving for the Giants.
3. Send her a “Just Because…” e-card from inspot.org.
2. "I would really like to go to Quizzo at some point in my life, and I just feel like this is holding me back from that dream."
1. Take her out to dinner at Chili’s and propose. She’ll get the hint.
Epilogue: Shame on us! Shame on us for believing Helix would go through with something or make good on his word. In what should have been a surprise to no one, Helix bitched out and didn’t break up with her. Our suggestions for him went to waste and apparently they resolved all their issues. He told her that he just needed some space and would stay with her on the weekends while spending the rest of the week at his parent’s house. This should probably seem as ridiculous to you as seeing this guy referred to as "Helix". Screw anonymity. His name is Felix. And Donna, if you do exist and by some chance you’re reading this—Surprise! Felix wanted to break up with you. Glad you worked things out. Good Luck after this!
’d mind sleeping on the couch, as you have someone from Craigslist’s erotic section coming over later.5. “I’d like to explain all this, but my mom’s waiting in the car.”
4. Tell her you need to renegotiate your contract. You want $45 million over two years or you’re leaving for the Giants.
3. Send her a “Just Because…” e-card from inspot.org.
2. "I would really like to go to Quizzo at some point in my life, and I just feel like this is holding me back from that dream."
1. Take her out to dinner at Chili’s and propose. She’ll get the hint.
Epilogue: Shame on us! Shame on us for believing Helix would go through with something or make good on his word. In what should have been a surprise to no one, Helix bitched out and didn’t break up with her. Our suggestions for him went to waste and apparently they resolved all their issues. He told her that he just needed some space and would stay with her on the weekends while spending the rest of the week at his parent’s house. This should probably seem as ridiculous to you as seeing this guy referred to as "Helix". Screw anonymity. His name is Felix. And Donna, if you do exist and by some chance you’re reading this—Surprise! Felix wanted to break up with you. Glad you worked things out. Good Luck after this!
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